May 2nd, 2007, 11:06 pm
Paris Hilton Loves Corn
COACHELLA, CA, May 1, 2007
I have no other words for this - other than, yes, that is the REAL Paris Hilton, and yes, I met her at Coachella.
It was kinda like meeting Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, except unlike Mickey, she didn’t have a sweaty pervert inside her who wanted to hug me.
Oh, you dirty celebrity gossip fiends! You want the story!
How I Met Paris Hilton
and Possibly Saved the World
So, Ms. Lovefoxxx of Cansei de Ser Sexy (CSS) is on stage. And she’s like the cutest, most rockin’st chica currently in the Northern Hemisphere. [Seriously, these ladies put on the ONLY rock show I saw at Coachella. Fer rizz!]
CSS, Meeting Paris Hilton
Flickr’d by clinty14.
This is totally bizarre, she says, to play this song, because she JUST MET PARIS HILTON backstage. [See her above, stage right.]
But they rip into “Meeting Paris Hilton” - Listen on MySpace - and it’s super heelarious and ironic to be in a whole crowd of people jumping up and down and making fun of Paris Hilton - who’s RIGHT THEERE! - and totally shouldn’t be, cuz why is Paris Hilton at Coachella?
Meeting Paris Hilton, CSS, Coachella 2007
(Good audio, crappy vid)
So, post-show, I’m sweaty and totally craving roasted corn on the cob, which I’d been sweating (heh heh) all weekend, but waiting to eat for a midafternoon snack. I’m in line, cell in hand, trying to text “Paris Hilton at CSS. omfgwtf” … hitting send over and over … the cell dies … and who tries to cut in line but …
PARIS HILTON!!!
By this time, I’m totally laughing my ass off and almost peeing myself at the pure ridiculousness of all this. What are the chances? There are like 100,000 people there!
Paris of course has no luck getting corn from the vendors, so she bribes a gal named Shawanda in front of me to get her one: “If I give you money, will you get me a corn?”
And the billionaire hands her a $10. Ha!
I’m taking maaaad pictures, so finally I just ask … “Can I get a picture?”
“Sure,” she says, in this affected, limping voice.
I give my camera to some girl, who is retarded and takes forever to figure out the buttons. Meanwhile, I say, “Hi. I’m Laura.”
Paris replies, “Nice to meet you.”
And she puts her hand on my shoulder - check the picture!!!! - the bony, chilly hand of death!!!
The picture gets taken, I laugh hysterically to myself all day, and Paris walks away with her corn.
THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE MOST HEEELARIOUSLY AWESOME THING THAT HAS OR WILL EVER HAPPEN AND I AM GOING TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT FOREVER.
FAQ
q. She looks short.
a. Yes, I am 5′ 6″ and she was several inches shorter than me.
q. Did she smell good?
a. I could only smell corn.
q. Was she nice?
a. She wasn’t mean.
q. Was she bony?
a. Yes, like the coccyx of Satan.
q. Did she have fake boobs?
a. Didn’t look like it. And I went to Chaparral High School, I would know.
q. Is her skin really that nice?
a. Yes, it is. It’s nice.
q. Did you wash thoroughly after?
a. No, and I won’t!!
Update
Is this ridiculous? Is sending out a mass email with a link to this just feeding into celebrity gossip bullshit? Or am I subverting pop culture whilst participating?
Or, as scribe Tony Ware puts it …
“Okay, I hate to be the one to say it, but isn’t writing a mass email about meeting a celebrity kinda … corny? It’s also kinda creepy, because in what I thought was an unrelated incident today I went poop and as I stared into the toilet all I could think was, “Man, that looks a lot like Paris Hilton eating corn.” It was a little like seeing Jesus in a piece of toast, but without anything vaguely life affirming…”
May 2nd, 2007 at 11:40 pm
Laura Fries, like totally OMFG. What happened to you? PH must stand for mad PHeromones.
I can only hope that if you met Henry Kissinger or Bill Fucking Moyers in line for a corn cup you’d gush twice as long and hard.
xox
Elaine
May 3rd, 2007 at 9:31 am
i’ve been laughing for about 10minutes, out loud.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:23 pm
I said it before, and I’ll say it again…
Eating corn with Paris Hilton has gotta be better than eating corn out of Paris Hilton.
May 3rd, 2007 at 11:34 pm
mmmmm … corn cup.
May 4th, 2007 at 3:11 am
Q: What were other people doing while you and P were posing/getting to know one another? Were they being all THERE’S PARIS HILTON or more THERE’S PARIS HILTON LETS IGNORE HER. Or were they just totally single-mindedly concentrating on corn?
May 4th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
I’ve called her a plague on humanity in print before and would argue that she’s a sweaty perv inside and out.
May 4th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
wow
May 6th, 2007 at 5:03 am
This is totally random, but I’m actually kind of responding to Miss Quick’s comment because I am the guy that was next to Paris. She actually cut in line after us, which took about 20 mins and at first I didn’t even realize it was her. I was more annoyed by the fact that the corn was burning the hell out of my hand than concentrating on small talk with her. Nice pics by the way Laura.
May 6th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Yeah, Ms. Quick, I don’t think most people noticed her at first. I only did because they had pointed her out at the CSS show and I knew what she was wearing. And I was in that “Paris state of mind” since I was sending international texts bout the hilarity.
And, thanks for stopping by Alex; united through random Paris corniness.
May 7th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Will you send her corn in jail?
May 11th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Well let’s finally face some facts.. I think Paris has been extremely good about taking the time and giving people pics and autographs and all she gets in return is a bunch of crap. And regardless of the other stuff nobody would give her an once of credit on this score.
May 11th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Dude, this infatuation wit celebs is kinda retarded. I mean, who cares? You have no life ms. laura fries. What kind of name is that n e way???
May 11th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
well wasnt she nice to put her arm around your sweaty bod. i mean to her you are the common peasant. she down with the peeps. i would feel honoured too
May 11th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Hi Laura…This is so wierd, but I am actually married to your ex-boyfriend, Dan. He told me about you and what a wonderful writer/blogger you are, and your name is pretty easy to remember. So, (and this is the most embarrassing element of this sort of strange chain of events) in gratifying my sad and depraved celebrity internet gossip addiction, I came across your entry about Paris Hilton! I found you via Cityrag via Egotastic. Did you know that you’re making the rounds (so to speak)?
http://cityrag.blogs.com/main/2007/05/paris_hilton_at.html
May 11th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
Q: did you get to check out her epic wonky eye?
Is it not what nightmares are made of?
May 13th, 2007 at 9:23 am
paris’ gonna do something else to the corn after eating it
May 13th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
You are fucking retarded. Not just that, you are fucking ugly too.
May 14th, 2007 at 9:03 am
you look cool and the story is hilarious. f’ the haters.
May 14th, 2007 at 10:08 am
i went to chaparral high school too!!!!
May 15th, 2007 at 8:43 am
Your Paris run in made me laugh out loud, way more fun than her boring ass flashing and jail time thing.