December 12th, 2003, 5:27 pm

Metamorphosis">Metamorphosis

I am, in the process of thinking about something else, reaching for my birth control pills on the kitchen counter when …

A GIGANTIC ROACH scurries out from under my general vicinity. Screaming, I throw the damn pills to the floor, and, compulsively wringing the hand that nearly touched that vile beast, grab my trusty can of Raid from under the sink. Barely brave enough to approach the turd whose antennae are sassily wiggling in step with my rapidly beating heart, I inch closer to the squirmy little critter, emphatically pressing the trigger, all while squealing, “I HATE you! This is MY house!!!”

Nothing comes out. The can is empty, and the damn thing scurries away to safety.

At this point, sweating like a pigfucker, I decide to go for a drive to get a soda … and calm the fuck down. I return to my abode, and get a fair amount of work done, although an insane fly, apparently driven by centripetal forces beyond our understanding, circles my office frantically, passing by my computer screen every 3.7568 seconds. Like clockwork.

It’s nearly 7am now, the time I told myself I’d stop, take a shower, and go in to do the listings. My desk bears testament to the long hours, and, the Martha in me compulsively picks up the cup and fork (left over from godknowswhat), and as I reach to open the dishwasher … the same familiar tickling sensation … the soft scurrying of six primordial legs … THE SAME DAMN ROACH!!! The dishwasher is left ajar, and there the little beast sits: perched happily on its top, having hardly moved from the spot where his foul antlers grazed my innocent, unsuspecting flesh.

I toss the fork at the creature, to no avail. It clatters uselessly to the floor. The cup, thankfully, stays in my shaking hands. My heart, in protest, crowds out my other organs. My two useless fingers: the index and middle of my left hand, tingle with imagined taint.

The Raid can, my supposed protectorate, officates the scene sternly from the countertop — only a short crawl away from my nemesis. Empty.