July 30th, 2006, 11:48 pm

Practicing Euro Trash

Although I have travelled before, it has always been with a veneer of decorum that I doubt I will be able to maintain for three months alongside dusty roads with two boys.

And so, as an experiment, this past week I decided to test…

How long can I go without a shower?

The answer is, comfortably, five days. For five days this past week, I sneered at soap. I scoffed at civility. I didn’t shower.

Here are the results of my experiment.

Problem: Your feet get unbelievably dirty.

Moving. Dirt. Georgia red dirt. Sweat. bug spray. Spilled beer. Sweat.

The soles of my feet turned an unhealthy shade of coal. Soaking in water and scrubbing with pumice did little to alleviate my tortured tootsies.

Verdict? Washing the feet daily might nip this problem in the bud.

Problem: Your hair is filthy.

Yes, this is the obvious one. A short ‘do and a couple of barrettes eliminated the problem of long greasy hair in my face. But when a pal mentioned that I looked like a Greaser (thanks Colin), I knew I had traded in my sex appeal for convenience.

Verdict? Washing the hair is essential to feeling like a vital woman. The hair’s short, so sink washing should be an option, should shower options not be available.

Problem: Um, you kinda smell.

Not like onions. Not yet. And not like mildew. But still, even Chanel No. 5 can’t make that skin feel fresh. No, the folks will say they can’t smell you. But maybe they’re lying.

Verdict? Wow, the idea of smelling bad and having strangers not tell you out of kindness is depressing. Don’t do it to yourself!

Problem: Your shorts fall down.

If wearing the same shorts for a period of time, you’ll start to realize why boys “sag” - it’s because their pants do. I once dated a boy who had a belt with a secret compartment lining in it, which would be perfect both for my sagging shorts and my security needs. If I could only remember his name, I’d totally ask him where to buy one.

Verdict? London bridge, my pants, we’re all falling down. Oh well.

Overall?

Not taking showers sucks. You smell bad, you’re dirty, people make fun of you, and the lack of confidence is a downer. Showers are good, America. You do a lot of dumb things, like plastic surgery and SUVs and “electing” presidents, but when it comes to that whole “inventing modern cleanliness” thing, you did all right.